Do you know how much Mariah Carey loves herself? I’m not 100% sure but I think it’s a lot. And I don’t know how she could, I certainly don’t love her.

Anyway, an air-brushed Mariah Carey is gracing the cover of Allure Magazine this month. The cover article on Allure that she’s in states, “Mariah Carey. We all have stories, I have a miniseries.” No. No Mariah Carey and Allure Magazine, what you all meant to say was that “Everyone in the world has such interesting lives and I have a mini-skirt-dress-shirt-pant-capri-blouse-sweater-coat-vest-jumpsuit-shorts.”

Here’s the deal: What makes Mariah Carey interesting? I’ll give you that she has a booming voice, I’ve always admired it, but other than that . . . um no one cares. She thinks she and her life are just so wacky that she could have a miniseries made about her life? Riiiight. I don’t know who she is that she thinks the rest of us in this world just have tiny stories only our great grandkids would want to hear when she has an amazing bible-like novel to tell.

Sorry Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Pope,*Oprah your books won’t sell today, **Mariah Careys “Me N’ My Mini’s” just came out and the world is ALL over that one!

*You like how I threw Oprah in there with all those famous people? Like, she’s not just a filthy rich talk show host that everyone hangs on her every word to do her bidding. HAHA. Oh. I guess thats power. Oprah can stay.

**I might sound really bitter towards Mariah Carey for no reason but really it’s just . . . I’m totally bitter towards Mariah Carey for no reason.