On Wednesday someone tried to pass off the worst counterfeit ever.

In Clearwater, South Carolina Alexander Smith tried to open a bank account at a local bank using a $1 Million dollar bill. Here’s the deal kids; making and/or trying to use counterfeit money is wrong. It’s bad and you’ll go to jail you thugs. But do you know what’s worse than even that? Making and/or trying to use a counterfeit bill that doesn’t even exist.

See, I’ve always known this because as a billionaire I’m pretty sure I’ve had all the bills available, but for you guys making 5 bucks an hour, allow me to school you. The federal government has never printed a million-dollar bill.

I’m still trying to figure out who the dude is on the bill, if anyone has any insight into that, let me know.

Alexander Smith has been charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of forgery.

Last night was the Dancing With The Stars Finale show on NBC, and trust me, I use the term “stars” loosely. I also use the word “dancing” her loosly. Also, “with”.

I’ve never seen an episode until last night, hey it was on in the background. Here’s a quick run down.

This thing was like 3 hours long. 3 boring hours that bumped Boston Legal out for the night. Dirty. They just had everyone that got booted off come back on the show and dance the dance they got the boot to. I don’t know what they expect because more than have the time I couldn’t even tell which one was the pro dancer and which one was the “star”.

Anywho. Marie Osmond got voted off in the first 15 minutes. Scary Spice, or Mel B was a fantastic dancer who is way more technical than anyone else, but I think she couldn’t win because of discrimination. I’m talking about her chest here, not her skin color. See, dancers have to be totally flat chested, Mel B’s got great curves so she never really had a chance.

Guess who won? Someone no one knows! I mean, your favorite Dancing With The Stars star, Helio Castroneves and his dancing partner Julianne Hough. After a quick Google search I found that Helio Castroneves is a Brazilian race car drive, and ok, he’s pretty dang cute. Julianne Hough is a pro dancer, a World Champion dancer at that. Plus she won last year too while her partner was actual “star” Anton Ohno. Good for them.

Congrats to Helio and Julianne!

PS If you watch this show you are a chump…as was I last night.

I know there are many ladies out there who have wanted to get your hands on The Hulk for years, but he’s been married, and you aren’t a home wrecker, right? RIGHT?! Well nows your chance, because Hulk Hogan is gonna be single.

Okay, this is actually a sad story. Hulk Hogans wife Linda Hogan, you may remember her from the VH1 “reality” TV show, Hogan Knows Best (hint: he doesn’t) filed for a divorce last week. Recently on the show the couple has been going to marriage counseling so I guess real life news spoils the next few episodes huh?

That’s not the worst part. The Hulk had no clue this happened until a reporter asked him about it!

The Hulk replied with, “My wife has been in California for about three weeks. . .Holy smokes. Wow, you just knocked the bottom out of me.”

Nice Linda, real nice. Way to embarrass The Hulk. Next time you want a divorce, have the cojones to let him know before the tabloids do.

I just wanted to wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Go eat your turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie. . .wow that sounds good. . .*drool* Then go pretend to be friends with the Native Americans just like the Pilgrims decided to do!

Ok gotta go eat!

Guess who’s pregnant again? No it’s not Britney Spears, what would ever give you that idea! It’s that virgin shark, you remember her.

So the details are shaky, is she a hammer head or a bamboo shark? Was she at a zoo or a high school (um, to learn to read good)? But the basic facts remain the same.

This shark got pregnant and gave birth without ever having mated. But then she ate her baby so that totally sucked. Now she’s pregnant again with Jesus fish #2, again, without ever having mated. It’s the amazement of evolution!

However, since there are some stories saying she lives at a high school, I’m pretty sure this is a big prank to get them attention. Who wouldn’t be in on that? Have her mate or fertilize her egg and then be like “Whoa that totally happened with no dude involved!”

Either way, shark, congratulations on being pregnant again without a man, and please try to not eat your baby.

No! It couldn’t be! That must be what your thinking, that Barry Bonds does not do steroids. Just kidding! I know you know that I know that you know he takes them. Just look at these pictures I posted.

On Friday Barry Bonds was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice by the feds. Apparently he lied about knowing that he was taking steroids. His trainer guy is all in jail and saying Bonds didn’t know about it and then Bonds took the stand and was like “My trainer just gave me this cream. I had no idea all these years that it had steroids in it!” Even though he was getting gianter and hitting more home runs every time he put on the cream. And where did he put the cream? HA!

Perjury is really hard to prove but it looks like they are going after him with everything they have. If he does get a guilty verdict there’s no shot for a place in the Hall of Fame, not to mention his career will pretty much be over. He’s 43 years old, a lying steroid using chump who is being convicted. So far, as a free agent, no team will touch him.

Come on Barry Bonds, get off the sauce!

Lindsay Lohan served jail time yesterday. I know, it’s almost as shocking as Matt Damon getting the title of Sexiest Man Alive. You didn’t think it would ever happen right?

Don’t get too excited though! Lohan did spend more time behind bars than Nicole Richie, remember the 82 minutes, they still went WAY easy on this “ex” coked out drunk. Lindsay Lohan was only in jail for a grand total of 84 minutes!

She was in there serving time for her August conviction. You know the one where she was charged with a DUI and cocaine-possession stemming from an arrest in July.

Lindsay was also sentenced to 10 days of community service, 3 years probation and 18 months of an alcohol-education program, even though she was in rehab for like 10 years.

I’m just happy to know that if I ever decide to get totally smashed and drive around with a bag of cocaine I’m going to be ok, because I’ll probably get something like 85 minutes in jail. You know, I get one extra minute because I’m a regular old civilian, but I’m still super rad so I don’t get the regular, oh I don’t know, few years.

It turns out that Matt Damon has been named as People Magazines Sexiest Man Alive for 2007.

I’m just going to let that sink in you’re pretty little heads a bit ok? Matt Damon. . .Sexiest. . .Man. . .Alive.

Now if you are done rolling on the floor laughing your butt off I’ll continue. Go ahead, get up. I know your abs probably hurt by now so you are going to have to breathe deeply. Come on. You’re going to be ok.

Anyway, Matt Damon takes the title away from his pal George Clooney who was the Sexiest Man Alive in 2006, that’s one I won’t dispute. But his other pal Brad Pitt has also been the Sexiest Man Alive. Man the beautiful people stick together, and hang out with Matt Damon.

Well congrats!

*Still Laughing*

I’m sick of all of the celebrity sleaze so I found this.

You know that Denzel Washington is one of the best actors of our time. You know Denzel Washington is one of the smokin-ist hotties in the world. But did you know that Denzel Washington is a Saint?

There’s been a chain e-mail going around about how Denzel Washington visited a place called the Fisher House. According to their website they are a foundation that “donates ‘comfort homes,’ built on the grounds of major military and VA medical centers. These homes enable family members to be close to a loved one at the most stressful times - during the hospitalization for an unexpected illness, disease, or injury.” Sounds amazing right? Well it is.

Anyway, the story goes that Denzel and his family visited the Fisher House a few weeks ago and he asked how much one of the buildings cost and wrote a check for the fully amount and he built it himself. That’s not true, but a good story none the less.

The real story is that Denzel Washington and his family were so touched with the amazing work the Fisher House does that they did make a generous donation on the spot and he and his wife Pauletta (yeah *sniffle* he has a wife) became board members of the Fisher House and have become very active in the cause.

Celebrities are getting pregnant left and right, driving drunk left and right, neglecting their kids, shooting people and making ridiculous statements. Well Denzel Washington isn’t. He’s stepping up to the plate and doing everything he can to support American troops. Hats off to you Denzel. You ROCK!

There’s been a lot of hype about Jerry Seinfeld’s new animated project Bee Movie. He stepped out of the limelight after Seinfeld and came back with vengeance to promote Bee Movie, and for good reason. It’s funny.

Starring Jerry Seinfeld as Barry, a bee who decides to venture out of the hive after learning he’ll only have one job for the rest of his life (approximately 9 days), Renee Zellweger as Vanessa, a human florist who saves Barry and ultimately becomes his friend and Matthew Broderick, a bee who is Barrys sidekick and confidante. It also boasts a few other familiar voices like Patrick Warburton best known as David Puddy on Seinfeld, John Goodman, Chris Rock, Cathy Bates and Barry Levinson.

This is a funny movie, and a good one to bring Jerry Seinfeld back in the public eye. The best part was listening to the parts of the movie the kids in the theater thought was funniest (hint: anything that explodes). It’s a sarcastic and informative look at bee’s in a sweet and hilarious way that no one has ever looked at a bee. The parallel from human to animated bee is there, trust me.

The only bad thing I have to say about this movie is the plot. The plot of Bee Movie kind of acts as a bee would act. It’s zippy, twists and turns in the wrong directions and the main plot kind of comes out of no where. It really doesn’t make much sense. But it’s a sweet movie with a great message. BEE true to yourself, and bee’s shouldn’t stop making honey, ever.

Bee Movie gets 4/5 LJ Stars. . .and yes I’m aware my husband will kill me for that as he is a Seinfeld fanatic.